10 Things Noah Would Have Tweeted From the Ark

As part of our never-ending quest for ways in which technology could have changed history, today we consider Noah and the Ark. What might old Noah have had to say if he had a wireless internet connection and a Twitter account during those fateful 40 days and nights? Here are ten things we think Noah would have tweeted from the ark: 

  1. Day 1 and I’m already over this floating menagerie. Whose idea was this anyway? Oh, right. Thanks @God. 39 and a wake-up. Knowing that you had a solid 40 days and 40 nights of sleeping on a rocking ship couldn’t have been easy.
  2. Day 5. Having doubts about bringing the elephants. When I think of all the #Cheetos we could have loaded without them on board. Those elephants sure do take up a lot of space…
  3. Day 10. Flooding everywhere. Can’t see my house anymore. Someone needs to invent #Scotch Guard for these loincloths. We can only imagine that in the rush to build the ark and gather the animals that several changes of clean clothes weren’t a top priority.
  4. Day 15. Partly cloudy, my @*%. I don’t know why I even bother to listen to those weathermen. I bet this dove could do a better job. No matter how much you enjoy storms, after a solid two weeks of cloudy weather and steady rain, seeing the sun would be a welcome change of pace.
  5. Day 20. Wonder what my neighbor @Jesse thinks of my ark right about now. Pretty sure that was his roof I saw float by yesterday. Wouldn’t it be a little disconcerting knowing that your neighbors were floating around next to you?
  6. Day 25. Are we having fun yet? I can’t even see trees or hills anymore. Up to my @$* in rabbits. Anyone know a good #veterinarian? Wonder how many little baby animals were hanging around the ark by the end of THAT trip!
  7. Day 30. 600 years old and still dealing with this crap. Couldn’t even get a deal on lumber or pet food with my AARP card. And we think people start getting old at 50…
  8. Day 35. The stench is unbearable. Even the rain can’t flush it away.  Remind me again why we needed to save cats. Then again, lots of lulz. We’re pretty sure that no one really thinks about the bathroom situation – or lack thereof – onboard the ark, especially when you factor in the sheer number of animals all contending for bathroom time. And after 35 straight days of non-flushing toilets things were probably getting a little foul.
  9. Day 39. OMG, one more day and we’re home free. Can’t wait to hit land and have a decent meal. It won’t be @Red Lobster, that’s for sure. Wouldn’t you be tired of seafood by that point?
  10. Day 40. @Garmin:  How’d we wind up here? I thought we plotted a course for the Bahamas. Anyone know any good places to eat in Turkey? Even then Garmin was too busy rerouting to get people where they need to be in a timely fashion. 

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