Why I Wish I Could Plug My Brain Directly Into the Web

When I got my first computer, I thought that what I was getting was a glorified typewriter that came with an enclosed encyclopedia. Now, of course, my former state-of-the-art Commodore 64 is beginning to show some signs of age. All right, I know the world is moving into a 4G framework, but some of the early attractions still remain. The internet is an awesome research tool. The trick now is to filter extraneous material, whereas old-school library research was almost diametrically opposed; students were hard-pressed to come up with enough material to fill up a good report.

The dizzying array of content can be exasperating, to the point where I wish I could just literally plug my brain into the web, and maybe turn my mouth into a printer. What are some of the scenarios where this Calvin & Hobbes transformation would actually be of some positive value? It isn’t as difficult as you might think.


Term Paper – The perfect term papers would be one of the results of direct linkage to the web. No fact would escape, no theory would be left untested, and no conclusion would be unsupported by mounds of data. If I could just make myself get up to go to class.

Banking Snafus – No more lost deposits, no more banking errors. No more hidden charges, nothing buried in fine print. My identity, now valuable because of my ability to plug my brain into the web, would never be stolen.

Mapquest v Google Maps v Yahoo Maps – I’d be able to really pick the best route, the one that gets me from Lexington, Va., to Lexington, Ky., without being routed through Lexington, Al. or Lexington, NC. or Lexington, Mo. or Lexington, Ma. or. . .

FaceBook Scrabble – If I were plugged in I’d know, automatically, all the “Q” words that don’t contain “U”, and I’d be able to block everyone while I set up incredible combinations of high-point letters that fall on every “double” and “triple” score on the board.

Malware P.I. – Nobody, but nobody, would be messing with me if I were tuned in. I’d identify all the bad guys and send them stuff that would literally melt their little hard drives.

Web MD – No cold remedy would be unturned, and I’d be able to self-diagnose every sniffle and ache and pain, without having to lump it all under “fibromyalgia”.

Other Web MD – I would actually be able to diagnose and remedy any bugs and viruses that might try to infect my computer brain with their nasty germs.

Multitask – Yes, I would be able to game to my heart’s content, and still get my work done.

Reverse the Spam – Mischievous little me would be able to reverse and redouble all unwanted solicitations.

I’m sure I’d come up with a workable plan for world peace while simultaneously eliminating hunger and poverty. Although, I know that’s pretty important stuff; the big thrill would be knowing that my e-mails really got sent, and sent to the right place. And, finally, I think I’d get a peek inside and be able to see how this amazing web really works.

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